Online Scavenger Hunt

As part of the festivities to promote R.A. Salvatore's newest novel, GAUNTLGRYM, Wizards of the Coast has been putting on a special online scavenger hunt.

Here's how it works:

The question shown in the graphic above relates to the riddle that @Wizards_DnD tweeted Sunday. Solve this question for a prize. And a clue! Because the answer is the seventh of eight clues that will help you solve the riddle at the end of the week when the online tour wraps up. The first person to comment on this blog post with the correct answer to the following clue question, including his/her Twitter user name, wins today's prize. Please note that in order to be eligible you must: 1) Follow @Wizards_DnD on Twitter; 2) Read the official rules and complete the online entry form -- both of which are available at: http://www.wizards.com/dnd/promotions.aspx

FROM WIZARDS OF THE COAST: Visit all the stops during R.A. Salvatore’s week-long Gauntlgrym online tour to find the seven other clues. At the end of the online tour on 10/22/10, put all the clues together, be first to solve the riddle and tweet about it, and win a signed copy of Gauntlgrym and a trip for two to D&D Experience in Fort Wayne, IN. You must include @Wizards_DnD and #gauntlgrym in your tweet. Riddle-solving tweets won’t be accepted until 12:01 a.m. EST on 10/22/10.

SCAVENGER HUNT UPDATE:
Congrats to Mousyman, the first eligible participant who correctly answered today's clue question! In the image now you will see the correct answer, since everybody will need it in order to solve the riddle at the end of R.A. Salvatore's online tour beginning 10/22/10. Remember to visit all the other tour stops to find the other seven clues. Schedule, contest details, and official rules are available here: http://www.wizards.com/dnd/promotions.aspx

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Also, please check out our interview with Bob Salvatore. We promise you will be entertained. Follow the link for quick access, or take your time and peruse our infinite wisdoms...or something...

http://elitistbookreviews.blogspot.com/2010/10/ra-salvatore-interviewthe-sequel.html

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Posted in Contests , R.A. Salvatore

New contest!

Yes. Another one. Already. Don't even pretend you're not just giddy with childlike excitement.

This one is easy. If absolutely every one of you don't enter, Steve's ninja-zombie-assassins are going to come after you and Nick will blow up your shoes. You may be able to take the beard off the terrorist, but you can't take the terrorist out of the beard....wait...that doesn't work... Crap! You get the idea. Just be afraid.

We were looking at our list of Like, Mediocre, and Hate books (and our new category Like...and Hate). There is a big disparity. We can't help but feel the need to set the universe in balance (It IS our duty as Gods to maintain order, and stuff).

So what does that have to do with you and the contest? Easy. Become an official follower of the blog, post here that you have done so, and recommend a book to us that you think we will hate and want us to tear apart. Also, don't be obvious and recommend the sequels to Twilight, or you know the drill...ninja-zombie-assassins and bombs.

This contest will end in one week from today. More than enough time for you to find the BEST worst book.

What do you get out of the deal? Other than the pleasure of knowing we chose your suggestion?

Well, Nick will buy and send you a hard cover book of your choice.

So start suggesting!

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Posted in Contests

Yay For New Reviewers!

So. We had a contest. All sorts of people entered. We were expecting one or two good ones amidst several crappy ones. As it happens, nearly all the submissions were solid. However, some were just better than others. We ended up with three "winners" who are going to enjoy doing a couple reviews a month for us. So, here they are, along with reasons why we chose them:

Shawn Boyles--Turns out we know this guy. He is one of the lovely fellows over at Rocket Road Trip. He sent us over some thoughts on JULIAN COMSTOCK (which were near identical to Steve's) as well as some other reviews as a portfolio of sorts. His reviews were well written (you will see his review of Connie Willis' BLACKOUT shortly), and he tends to share similar opinions on novels with us.

Vanessa Christenson--She sent in a review of THE FOLDING KNIFE (as well as a half-dozen other reviews as her own portfolio). As Nick put it, "She like read my mind..." A scary thought, we know. She also proposed a solid idea for some specific reviews (you'll see what we mean). Elitist indeed.

Dan Smyth--We are going to be honest here (aren't we always?). Dan almost didn't make it. It was between him and two others (who it wouldn't be fair to mention). You see, Dan has this crush on KJ Parker. We don't share this sentiment. Even though he heaped far too much praise on THE FOLDING KNIFE, his tone was near perfect. He just fit. It also helps that he was able to recognize his own susceptibility to Parker's faulty charms (we all have them...mostly), and he supplied us with his opinions on other novels.

As you can see, we primarily picked people who wrote well, agreed with us (duh), and supplied us more than one review. Some of the problems other reviews had that held them back were not agreeing with us (duh), a propensity to only rehash the plot of the novel without talking about why is was GOOD or BAD, had stuff in their reviews that was incorrect, or it just wasn't written how we liked. It's our blog. We pick who we want, and we want to make sure they match with our general way of thinking.

With that, we want to thank everyone for their time and submissions. Congrats to the winners! This will truly be a way for more reviews to come out, and for all the readers of our awesometastic blog to benefit. In a change from the method mentioned in the rules of the contest, our new reviewers are going to write in First Person. Only we (Steve and Nick) will be writing in the Hive Mind style...cause that's how we really are.

The End

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Posted in Contests , Wanna be a Reviewer?

Contest: Reviewers Wanted

So, you want to be an Elitist Reviewer too? Well, you are in luck.

Contrary to popular belief, we do have lives. We work full-time, attend college, have families, aspire to be authors ourselves, and require sleep (sometimes). In short, we want to recruit a few peoples to be reviewers for us.

Here is what would be required of you:

1) Be a US resident. UPDATE: We changed our minds. So there. You can be from anywhere, but the book reviews will adhere to the US release schedule.
2) Read and review at least one to two books a month--if you read and review more, that's fine too. At times, we may very well direct you on what books to read--we have Billy Corgan-like issues. Other times we will leave it up to you, as long as you tell us what you are going to review.
3) We will read and edit your review before hand.
4) If you are located in Provo or Salt Lake City, Utah, we may give you an ARC to read. If not, become friends with your local library and/or B&N. We don't make money off this blog, so paying money to ship you ARCs just isn't feasible.
5)Your reviews will follow our Hive-mind format, and you will avoid profanity in the review itself.

Make sense? Good.

This is a serious offer for those who want to make a serious effort. We have pride in our work, and we are also control freaks. We want your work to be high-quality, and we want it to be reliable. If you don't think you can be reliable, don't bother entering our "contest."

This is a competition. We will pick a book, and you will read and review it. Here is how it will go down:

1) We pick a book or two.
2) You read it and review it.
3) You email us the review along with your "I'm a US resident" details.
4) We read your review. We will judge it on originality, quality of writing (it doesn't have to be perfect, we WILL edit you reviews after all), clarity of writing, and whether or not your review was in line with what we thought. We want you to have similar tastes as us. Shocker right?
5) The one or two reviewers we felt were best, we will choose to be permanent reviewers on EBR.

Again, EBR is a big deal to us. We are beginning to show up on the covers of books. We want to maintain the confidence that publishers, agents, editors, publicists, and readers have in us. We are special, and we want to keep it that way.

The book of choice for the contest?

DUST OF DREAMS by Steven Erikson
or
THE FOLDING KNIFE by KJ Parker
or
JULIAN COMSTOCK by Robert Charles Wilson

This contest will go until the 4th of June.

Q-- Can I review both books for the contest?
A-- Sure, if they both are solid reviews, it will give us confidence in you. However, if one sucks, it will screw you.

Q-- How long should the reviews be?
A-- Look at our reviews (there are dozens of them). While the lengths may vary in some cases, they are almost all around the same length.

Q-- Is it OK to put spoilers in the review?
A-- No. If you do, we will send ninja-zombies after you. Then we will delete your submission.

Q-- Where will I be on the EBR totem-pole?
A-- We (Nick and Steve) are the main dudes (and handsome ones at that). The site is ours. You will be an active participant, which puts you between us, and the guest reviewers who only participate occasionally.

Please email us with any other question.

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Posted in Contests , Wanna be a Reviewer?

R.A. Salvatore Interview

We were approached by Sara Easterly to do this interview at the same time as she asked us to do participate in Margaret Weis' blog tour. Needless to say, when R.A. Salvatore, much like Weis, comes-a-knocking for a tour, there is only one answer you can give. Of course! And when they say we can give away 5 free copies of Salvatore's latest novel, THE GHOST KING? Sounds like a deal for YOU! All you have to do is post a comment. So, without further ado, here you go:

EBR: We want thank you for stopping by our blog on this tour of sorts. Right out of the box, we want you to brag a little. We aren’t exactly humble around here at Elitist Book Reviews, and we see no reason for you to feel like you have to be humble either. Don’t pull any punches and don't be shy; tell us why you are so great.

RAS: Because the amazing people at Elitist Book Reviews want to interview me. They’ve actually taken the time to direct questions to me! Doesn’t that say it all? Seriously, though, you’ve asked the wrong guy this question. It’s not that I’m modest to a fault or anything “aw shucks” like that. It’s just that I honestly keep looking over my shoulder, expecting the devil to come and collect his end of the bargain.

I don’t know what works and what doesn’t work, what to write and what not to write, on a logical, rational level any more than the next guy on the street. But I do think that I instinctively know the difference between Writing 101 (“The road to Hell is paved with adverbs!” “Show, don’t tell!” “Don’t change POV!” – in other words, all the typically cliché criticisms you can see on any message board or review site) and Writing 102. Writing 102 is simply understanding and believing that the English language is a set of tools, not rules. For example, take any college writing class and you’ll be told that you shouldn’t use adverbs to characterize dialogue, that the words spoken by the character should convey the way they’re being said without the helper adverb (sarcastically, slyly, dryly, sardonically, etc.), and also that good dialogue needs no attribution. I argue that those “rules” missed the internet revolution. My readers, mostly younger folks, do a large part of their interpersonal communication on message boards and instant messaging and Facebook and such. Message boards without emoticons (adverbs) become flame wars, and all dialogue in such places is attributed. So while younger readers are far more sophisticated in some areas, such as multi-tasking and handling ten conversations at a time, and in extrapolating much more information from bare-bones sentences, they are usually less sophisticated in the areas that come from face-to-face communication. Sarcasm involves tonal changes and facial expressions; if you hear that and see that enough face to face, you will be more able to inject that properly into the dialogue in a book. If you’re unsophisticated in that manner of interpersonal communication, however, the sarcasm flies right by without note. Class over.

Well, wait a minute, not completely. The other thing that I have going for me is that writing a book gives me the same feelings that most people get when reading a book. My own books constantly surprise me, and I find myself typing faster just to find out what the hell is going to happen. And when I’m writing battle scenes, I don’t consciously shorten sentences, and don’t go back through the scene with a shotgun, blowing out all incarnations of the passive verb “to be.” No, I just get into the action, watching it in my head, my own pulse quickening as the characters go through the dance. And somehow – I have no idea how! – it works. In the end, I’m really lucky in that the way I tell a story seems to resonate with enough people to, well, get me interviews on blogs like Elitist Book Reviews. The style doesn’t work for everyone, but that’s okay, and that’s why there are so many varied and successful storytellers in the world.

EBR: Some people (us included) would say that you are one of the stones in the foundation of Heroic Fantasy. Where do you see this brand of fantasy going over the next decade? How do you figure to be a part of it? What do you think fantasy readers, today, are looking for in their books?

RAS: I’m going to put these two questions together. Heroic fantasy, adventure fantasy, sword and sorcery – whatever you want to call it – has some common threads and themes that hold true. Sometimes they’re not considered “cool,” oftentimes they’re considered cliché, but to me it’s not about that. What I’m talking about here is the morality offered in the fantasy genre, the idea that good will overcome evil. Cool or not, cliché or not, that’s a fundamental hope that sits in the hearts of most people. We want to believe in it – I do believe in it.

So whatever new races become the norm for fantasy (we’ve watched that happen with dark elves over the last twenty years), the idea that characters who do the wrong thing will be punished and characters who do the right thing will be rewarded is going to be reflected in heroic fantasy today and tomorrow. In other words, the trapping might change, but some basic truths will remain. The hero of tomorrow’s books would fit into the heroic fantasy books of today.

Where will I fit in? Well, I’m past 50 now, but have no intention of fading away. Slowing down, maybe, but not fading away. I’m having too much fun with this, and learning so much about myself through my writing, that the road continues before me. I hope.

EBR: What book, that you wrote, did you learn the most from and what did you learn?

RAS: My favorite book is Mortalis, the bridge book between the two trilogies in my seven-book DemonWars series. I wrote that book while watching my best friend, my brother Gary, fading away from cancer. That book was my salvation, my catharsis. In its pages, through the character of Brother Francis, I came to terms with Gary’s looming death, and to a large extent, with my own inevitable end.

The funny thing is, I never expected Francis to play a major role in the book at all. Up to that point, he had been the fill-in monk in the DemonWars series, the sort of major domo who was always in the scene when I needed an extra monk, but didn’t want to create even more characters in an already huge cast. It wasn’t until I had finished Francis’s part in Mortalis that I even came to realize that I had told such a complete story of a flawed but ultimately heroic man. He taught me how to live, and how to die.

EBR: The Ghost King was released on October 6th, more than 20 years since The Crystal Shard was published back in 1988. What keeps you coming back to tell stories about Drizzt the Dark Elf and can we expect to see a separate original creation on the horizon?

RAS: The easy answer is that the readers want more Drizzt. No matter what I write, no matter whether I think it’s as good or better than dark elf, my audience is for Drizzt, most of all. For a while, many years ago, this truth bothered me a bit. Certainly from a business perspective, things would have been more lucrative if I could just take my entire Drizzt readership with me wherever I chose to go, but that simply wasn’t the reality. I was watching one of those “Behind the Music” shows on VH1, the story of John Fogarty, when I heard him talking about how he wouldn’t play Credence Clearwater Revival songs for a long time after he left the band. But then one day he realized that it wasn’t about him. It was about the people who came to see him, and they wanted to hear those songs. So he started playing them again. He’s right. I feel the same way. So I came to terms with my ridiculous little gripe, and came to appreciate how lucky I was to have hit such a chord in so many people with Drizzt. I came to say, and believe, that I would write Drizzt for a long as people wanted to read Drizzt and as long as I was still having fun with him, I’m still having a blast. That doesn’t mean I will be exclusively writing Drizzt, by any means, however. I love DemonWars, and I’ve got some more creations in me.

EBR: Once again, we want to thank you for taking the time to answer our questions. Any last comments you want to leave with us and our readers?

RAS: I go back to CS Lewis in reminding everyone that no one can determine the relationship between a reader and a book, except the reader of the book. The internet is a great place to discuss and argue about this book or that book, but find what you love, not what you’re supposed to love.

Oh, and stop gaming every now and then and read a book!

****

The Important People(TM) who made this interview possible:

Wizards of the Coast: http://wizards.com/
R.A. Salvatore: http://www.rasalvatore.com/
Sara Easterly: http://www.saraeasterly.com/

****

The exclusive, seven-part interview series with R.A. Salvatore continues throughout the week. Be sure to check out these other stops on the blog tour:
Monday, 10.12.09
SciFiChick
http://scifichick.com/

Tuesday, 10.13.09
BSCreview
http://www.bscreview.com/

Wednesday, 10.14.09
SciFiGuy
http://www.scifiguy.ca/

Friday, 10.16.09
Sci-Fi Fan Letter
http://www.scififanletter.blogspot.com/
Suvudu (7:00 to 8:00 p.m. EST)
http://www.suvudu.com/

Saturday, 10.17.09
Fantasy Book Critic
http://fantasybookcritic.blogspot.com/

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Posted in Contests , Interviews , R.A. Salvatore

Margaret Weis Interview

There are certain authors that hold a special place in our hearts. Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman are two of them. So, when Wizards of the Coast came calling and asked if we would like to interview Margaret Weis as part of her blog tour, we jumped at the opportunity. Without any further delay, we are excited to give you our brief interview with Margaret.

Margaret, thank you for taking the time to stop by our not-so-humble blog for an interview. Now, we want you to throw caution and humility to the wind. Here at Elitist Book Reviews we don’t hesitate to pat ourselves on the back, and we want you to do the same (your back, not ours). So tell us, why are you and your co-author, Tracy Hickman, so awesome?

LOL! What can I say? We love our work!

Speaking of Hickman, the two of you have published a ridiculous number of novels together. What do you find the benefits of co-authoring to be, do you enjoy writing alone or as a co-author more, and after all this time working together is it always smooth sailing or are there disagreements?

There are benefits to writing both singly and with a co-author. If I write by myself, I have to come up with solutions to the problems I always create for myself. (Writing myself into a corner.) When I'm writing with Tracy, I can call him and dump the problem in his lap. (Tasslehoff's going to die unless you find a way to save him!) The biggest disagreement we had was that I maintained that Laurana would never give up being the Golden General to run off to save Tanis. Tracy, being a romantic, maintains that love conquers all.

Dragons of the Hourglass Mage was released back in August, a full 25 years after Dragons of Autumn Twilight. We literally owe our introduction into fantasy to you and Tracy (a simple ‘thank you’ just doesn’t seem to do our feelings justice, but, seriously, thank you!), as do many readers. How do you keep those loyal readers satisfied while appealing to this newer generation of readers?

The internet has been a big help to us, especially the community of fans on the DL Nexus message boards. We really try to listen to our fans and, while we may not do everything they would like us to do, we take their concerns and ideas seriously.

Along the same lines as the last question, what do you think it means to be a fantasy reader today and how has it changed from when you started writing fantasy?

Back in the day, the majority of readers of DL were men. So many women used to come up to us to tell us that they started reading DL because their boyfriends/husbands urged them to read the books. Now we see many more women and girls reading DL and fantasy in general.

Do you feel like the genre as a whole is evolving, and if so, how do you feel about it?

I must admit that I don't read fantasy!

Again, Margaret, thank you for dropping by to show us how great you are. You’ve made our year. Seriously. Any parting words for us and our readers?

Thank you for traveling Krynn all these years with us!




We wished we could have asked more questions, but we were thrilled to have Margaret take time out of her busy schedule to talk with us! We understand Margaret will be online throughout the day, so you may just be able to coax some comments out of her if you ask nicely!

And if that doesn’t work, we have free copies of DRAGONS OF THE HOURGLASS MAGE to give away. Here are a few ways to get your copy. We have chosen, at random, certain comment milestones for prize winners. So come and chat with us and Margaret, and who knows, your comment might be one of the lucky winners. To hook you up, we have also reserved a couple copies to give away for people that make Margaret laugh (or us for that matter), or ask something great, or make an insightful comment. As always we will judge what deserves the last couple prize books, but no need to worry. If you didn't trust us our enlightened judgement, you wouldn't be coming to our site.

Seriously folks, we know that a lot of you owe your fantasy readership to Weis and Hickman like we do. Remember, go give them your support. Here are a few links of pure greatness:

Margaret Weis' Site
http://www.margaretweis.com/wp/

Tracy Hickman's Site
http://www.trhickman.com/

Wizards of the Coast
http://www.wizards.com/

Sara Easterly (she set us up with the interview...of course we are going to mention her!)
http://www.saraeasterly.com/

And lastly, we have a Dragonlance Novels Guide if any of you crazy readers need one...lets face it, Dragonlance has a ton of books. If you want it, email us and we'll send you a copy!

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Posted in Contests , Interviews , Margaret Weis

Contest Results

Here are the contest results and we, to put it simply, had a blast reading all of your submissions. There were a handful of potential winners that we debated back and forth in deciding who would be declared the winner. So without further ado we give you:

Meg! You are the grand prize winner and will be receiving the ARC of I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER. For the rest of you, here is her submission.

1. If Steve could be a classic horror monster, what would he be?
c) a were-unicorn. What is more horrifying than that? (and Nick, I'm sorry but if you can possibly qualify as a "classic" horror monster then a were-unicorn can too.)

2. Steve's favorite food is:
e) Me. I'm very tasty.

3. Nick Prefers:
e) Let’s not get picky now…all of the above! (But this sadly forgot to mention calico and every other hue imaginable:)

4. Steve has a cameo in a book as a:
a) Corpse. (I don't really know but its by far the most interesting...)

5. How many kids does Nick have?
f) He’s aware of a “few” potentials, but the DNA results are still pending… Bwahahahahaha! Jk. that would be sad.

6. If Nick was an RPG character, what would his skills and traits be? skills: growing damned delicious facial hair. Traits: a natural swagger that makes him impossible to catch and will invariably set you two levels back if you try to mimic it.

7. Nick looks like a Arabian God.

8. Nick is a sexy beast.

9. Nick's idea of Hell is a world without good books, and women. In that order.

10. Nick's superpower is smoldering persuasion.

11. Steve is really good at torturing suspense.

12. If Steve was a pro-wrestler what would his name be? OBLITERATOR

13. Steve is bloody convincing as a toothfairy but does reasonably well as a goopy
black demon. (Remember, analogies are your friend.)

14. Steve's favorite past time is giggling, its rather fetching too. Downright adorable I'd say.

15. Steve's best quality is the glistening dome that is the case to his brilliant brain.

16. When playing against Nick, Steve will never win a game of duck-duck goose. Nick is dodgy.

17. The thing Nick hates more than anything else is cancerous food. maybe.

Essay Questions(100 words or less):
1. Why is Elitist Books Reviews the best review site around? (If you say it isn’t, you automatically fail the test, and we will send ninja-zombies after you.)

Although I could take your flimsy ninja-zombiezzz any day of the week, in rather skimpy leather outfits i might add, I'll agree that elitist books reviews is indeed the best review site around. That is, its most likely the only review site I have ever sought out intentionally and that alone says much for its dazzling quality. Another reason is because I know I can trust the taste of said reviewers. Screw the 100 words or less, I'm not counting that. It's probably only fifty anyhow. That's reason enough. If you're not satisfied I'll bring you a special brownie or something but don't push it.

2. Why should we give you a free Advance Reader Copy (ARC) of Dan Wells’ novel, I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER instead of your competition?

BECAUSE I AM DYING TO KNOW HOW IT EFFING ENDS!!!!!! GAWD. JUST DRIP VIRUS INFECTED BLOODY PUSS INTO MY EYE AND THE TORTURE WILL STILL NOT BE AS CRUSHING AS HAVING TO WAIT ANY LONGER.

3. Extra Credit: Write an intro to a SF/F or Horror novel, with Slamel and Bookstore Guy as the main characters (Hey. Its our website, and we set the rules here. And yes, those must be the names used.). 200 words or less here folks. Make it short and sweet. Make it short and bitter. We don't care, as long as it is short and it makes us laugh.

-Slamel hated his guts more that the cat that had pissed on a strategically placed spot just outside his apartment. Bookstore Guy unfailingly sat snug in Slamel's spot for the fifth time in two weeks. The bastard had seen him sitting in that oh so glowingly lit plush chair too. They were both regulars at the bookstore cafe so the deliberateness of this usurper was unquestionable. Slamel was fed up. He approached the loathed Bookstore Guy and sternly cleared his throat. That was when he noticed that Bookstore Guy was staring in confused horror at something behind him. Slamel whirled around and saw...nothing. Bookstore guy laughed at Slamels pissed-off expression and said, "You see, I'm the scariest thing here anyhow." Then he calmly slid his eyes back into his brain and down into his mouth where he grinned and waggled his tongue between the eye balls being jauntingly juggled back and forth. Slamel gently slumped forward in a dignified faint. Bookstore Guy caught him deftly and moved toward the exit muttering something about panty-waists.

A few fun facts and statistics:

For whatever reason a high number of you chose to make us kill each other in the extra credit section. You know, we are actually friends. We hardly ever have violent tendencies towards each other…except on weekends…and some weekdays (like 5 of them). Here is the final score based on kills of the other reviewer:

Slamel -- 38.5 (the .5 refers to one where Bookstore Guy was dead, but it wasn’t entirely clear if Slamel was the cause of said condition)
Bookstore Guy -- 7.3 (he's a little bummed at these results, but in one submission he did turn into a monster and make Slamel faint...that's the .3)
Tie -- 2 (don’t ask…)

Nick has the reputation of a womanizer, and no one has a clue what "were" monster Steve wants to be (though the guesses were mostly hilarious).

We are more important to most of you than your family and friends. Thank you.

The threat of ninja-zombie assassins is quite potent. (Except for Meg who has demonstrated her zombie genocidal skills.)



Some of our favorite answers from all of your submissions:

Q1:
C) A were-rabbit with sharp pointy teeth *insert two-fingered fang gesture here*
C) A were-munchkin. Seriously, can you think of anything scarier? I sure can't.
C) A were-unicorn. What is more horrifying than that? (I'm sorry but if "Nick" can possibly qualify as a "classic" horror monster then a were-unicorn can too.)
C) A were-zombie
Note: Nick had to convince Steve that he couldn't give the ARC to this entry based exclusively on the were-zombie answer
C) A WereMustang. Get it? Classic? Har har har. Besides, who doesn't want to turn into a sexy car once every lunar cycle. Vroom vroom, baby."
(Vroom vroom is right Madison.)

Q2:
E) You...well, I am Mexican, and everyone knows we have the best food. It's only logical that we taste just as good.
F) Nick's brains...Steve is a zombie after all.
E) Steve's favorite food is obviously (E) me, because I'm 100% guaranteed to be more delicious than your average extranational. French excluded, if you are in the mood for cheese.

Q3:
F) Stephanie Meyer...wait...
F) Anyone whose first name isn't Terry...
E) Let's not get picky now... all of the above! (and preferably at the same time)

Q4:
Steve has a cameo in a book as the corpse of a hot dog vendor whose cartoonist girlfriend enlists the help of a hard-nosed journalist to track down the stay-at-home mom who murdered Steve for his immense fortune. Those were good hot dogs, mate.

Q5:
B) 1 - Nick, I know this may not be the best way to give you the news, but I have something I need to tell you...

Q6:
He would be an amnesiac with really spiky blond hair, and emo attitude without actually saying anything, an ability to carry an 8-foot-long sword with toothpick arms and...oh wait, Nick's traits? I thought you said Cloud from FF7...

Well that depends entirely on what you mean by RPG. Rocket-Propelled-Grenade? Blowing things up with his head. Randomly-Prescient-Gnu? Eating your socks before your wife finds them bunched up in the kitchen sink. Recycled-Poppy-Glue? Making you hallucinate about broken glass, twisted soda cans, and an old lady with soggy dentures trying to kiss you.

Q7:
Nick looks like a human being, despite the experiments.
The love child of Stevie Nicks and Thomas Jefferson.
A slightly less handsome (and distinctly more middle-eastern) version of Steve.

Q8:
Nick is a Rock Band beast (How did you know!?)

Q9:
Nick's idea of Hell is getting some tongue from Terry Goodkind
Nick's idea of Hell is a world without good books, and women. In that order.

Q10:
Doll painting.
(They're action figures!!!!)
Licking hot girls and getting away with it

Q11:
Holding tea-parties with the dolls Nick painted... (see above)
Ignoring Nick while he uses his superpower (see above again)
Making single women feel uncomfortable.

Q12:
The Book Burner
The Goatee
Steven Erikson

Q13:
Steve is as fancy as a high-class hooker with a nasty blow habit
Steve is (almost) as pretty as Nick
Steve is as limber as a Chinese finger puzzle

Q14:
Steve's favorite past-time is giggling, it's rather fetching too. Downright adorable I'd say.
Trying to figure out what the **** those fast-talking Gilmore Girls are actually saying.

Q15:
Steve's best quality is his humility.
Steve's best quality is his arrogance (hmm).
Steve's best quality is his back hair.

Q16
Friends: The Trivia Game.
Twilight Imperium...PDS pewpewpew!
(Steve is pretty sure Nick fed this answer to the person who submitted it)

Q17
That time when he left a copy of Twilight and Wizard's First Rule sitting on top of each other and they had a baby. He hates that baby. Oh how he hates it.

Essay 1:
Although I could take your flimsy ninja-zombiezzz any day of the week, in rather skimpy leather outfits I might add...
Note: The full answer to this question, submitted by our winner, was quite a bit longer, but we couldn't manage to get past the leather-outfit part without getting distracted.

Essay 2:
You should give me an ARC because if you don’t I will post on tha intaweb that you are two lonely but lovely vampires in search of a date.

Well, mostly because I need it so I can use the excuses therein as a cover for my actual serial-killing. I swear, I’ll be you guys’ personal Dexter if you give it to me. If you don’t, I’ll simply add you two and the person you gave it to to my list

Essay 3:
Slamel paused just a second before he slammed the clip into his .50 Desert Eagle and blew his ex-girlfriend’s nose through the back of her head. He felt a slight pang as her skull imploded but what could he have done? He always thought that they might get back together one day but he now realized that that was just wishful thinking.
That’s what happens when you turn into a zombie, he thought a little wistfully.
“Was that last one Karen?” yelled Bookstore Guy from across the room where he was boarding up the windows.
“Probably,” Slamel shouted back. “Hard to tell.”
“Hard to tell? I’d recognize that nose anywhere.”
“Screw you. You finished with those windows yet?”
Bookstore Guy paused as he drove home the few remaining nails and then turned, flourishing his hammer.
“Yep.”
“Good. That’ll slow ‘em down, but it won’t stop ‘em for long. We need to get to that boat.”
“You hold them off here for a sec, I’ll just run upstairs and grab the C4. If we don’t run in to too many groups, we should be able to make it by-” Bookstore Guy’s voice cut off in a strangled gasp as a mottled gray fist shattered one of the boards and latched on to his shoulder, yellowed nails sinking deep into the muscles of his arm.
“Slamel!” Bookstore Guy screamed as he was inexorably dragged backwards. “Get it off me!”
Slamel raised his gun, paused and pumped two rounds into Bookstore Guy’s chest. He turned and ran out the door, but not before he saw the shocked look in Bookstore Guy’s eyes.
Oh well, Slamel thought as he made his way towards the boat. That’s what happens when you turn into a zombie.

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Posted in Contests

EBR Contest: The First

We at EBR are definitely fans of free stuff, and we figured that surely some of our readers must be fans of free stuff as well. So we wanted to offer you all the chance to get some. (Free stuff that is. Nick is too busy for anything else right now.)

What free stuff? Well. Glad you asked. The grand prize winner will receive an ARC (advance reader copy) of Dan Wells' novel, I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER. Remember, we reviewed and LOVED this book. It is one of the best novels we have read in a LONG time. It even has the US cover on it, so its different from all the rest available right now. Not to mention you will get to read the book half a year before all your friends (well, assuming you are in the US of course...).


The runners up will each receive a I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER button. You know, so that you can reassure all your friends and colleagues that you are, in fact, not a serial killer. (We hope.)

The rules and regulations are simple. 1) Fill out this little questionnaire about...wait for it...none other than your EBR staff. 2) There are right answers to the questions of course, but the best way to score points is to make us laugh. 3) The contest will be open until Sunday 9/20/09. Then we will score them and post the winners on Monday. 4) Email them to us. Please. 5) We don't care where you are from, but obviously, this contest benefits the folks in the US the most. That said, we'll ship it wherever (can't promise how long it will take to get there). 6) Don't be shy. The more entries, the more likely we are to do further contests really quick here (yeah, that was some foreshadowing).

We look forward to your contest entries. Also, don't forget to go take a read of our interview of Dan Wells. Get a glimpse into the mind of the beast so you can know how awesome the grand prize is.

1. If Steve could be a classic horror monster, what would he be?
a) A fake sparkly vampire
b) A real vampire (with really big teeth)
c) A were______ (fill in the blank with your choice--yes, it matters)
d) A zombie
e) Nick

2. Steve's favorite food is:
a) Chinese
b) Italian
c) Mexican
d) Thai
e) You

3. Nick Prefers:
a) Blondes
b) Brunettes
c) Red-heads
d) Dyed
e) Let’s not get picky now…all of the above!

4. Steve has a cameo in a book as a:
a) Corpse
b) Hot Dog Vendor
c) Cartoonist
d) Journalist
e) Stay-at-home Mom

5. How many kids does Nick have?
a) What’s a kid?
b) 1
c) 2
d) 3
e) They read Goodkind, so none anymore…
f) He’s aware of a “few” potentials, but the DNA results are still pending…

6. If Nick was an RPG character, what would his skills and traits be?
7. Nick looks like a _____.
8. Nick is a _____ beast.
9. Nick's idea of Hell is _____.
10. Nick's superpower is _____.
11. Steve is really good at _____.
12. If Steve was a pro-wrestler what would his name be?
13. Steve is _____ as a _____. (Remember, analogies are your friend.)
14. Steve's favorite past time is _____.
15. Steve's best quality is _____.
16. When playing against Nick, Steve will never win a game of _____.
17. The thing Nick hates more than anything else is _____.

Essay Questions(100 words or less):
1. Why is Elitist Books Reviews the best review site around? (If you say it isn’t, you automatically fail the test, and we will send ninja-zombies after you.)
2. Why should we give you a free Advance Reader Copy (ARC) of Dan Wells’ novel, I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER instead of your competition?
3. Extra Credit: Write an intro to a SF/F or Horror novel, with Slamel and Bookstore Guy as the main characters (Hey. Its our website, and we set the rules here. And yes, those must be the names used.). 200 words or less here folks. Make it short and sweet. Make it short and bitter. We don't care, as long as it is short and it makes us laugh.

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Posted in Contests