Ok folks. Here it is.
The big one.
You wanted it.
We deliver it.
Are you ready for this? Its a long one.
Last Friday we left you with a recommendation for one of the most amazing books you will read. This weekend we will leave you with some wisdom, that will most likely preserve your utter existence. Or at least that will save you from utter boredom... Seriously, though, if you want to suggest our names for sainthood, after we so entirely save you, feel free. Really we don't mind.
Rahl. That word just said it all, at least for those of you that know anything about Terry Goodkind. For those blessed, uninitiated folks, let us tell you that if anyone says you should read a book about a guy named Richard Rahl, and a girl named Kahlen Amnell, that person most definitely does not have your best interests at heart.
Goodkind ended his obscenely boring, derivative, and preachy Sword of Truth series (praise the Heavens), and we thought the world of fantasy safe from the Rahls and Goodkind's self-indulgent, arrogant, and simple-minded nature forever. Alas, it wasn't to be (once again, queue sad music from Arrested Development).
The Rahl name returns, and is as craptastic as before.
Understand, Goodkind insulted the fantasy genre, the fans who read his not-fantasy novels, his old publishing house, and his editors. He is rumored to have stated (this info comes from some reliable sources in the industry) that he didn't feel appreciated by Tor, and that he was now part of a publishing house where he could would be respected like the peerless...Dean Koontz. Now don't misunderstand us. We think Koontz has written some good stuff, and we would kill to have his success (Nick tried yesterday, but alas, the attempt failed. Goodkind still lives). But seriously? He has claimed to be in a genre all his own, that he forever changed the face of fantasy and in fact transcended it. Yeah...Goodkind is an arrogant tool.
Don't worry though, because Goodkind's new novel is a thriller. And it is completely different and original. Right?
Surely you, dear readers, realize what we intend to do when we make those kind of statements.
Alex Rahl, the last of the Rahl descendants (Oh jeez. Really, Terry? This is what you came up with for your awesome new book? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!) squares off against a walking-cliche villain. In the process he endures endless chase scenes, and boring fight scenes, all with gratuitous, yet utterly snooze-inducing violence. Did we mention there was a gorgeous woman? Would it be Goodkind without one? It was hard to picture her as a beautiful woman, though, since her name is Jax. It was also a different experience picturing an African American guy, with cybernetic arms running around in Goodkind-verse.
Speaking of Jax, let us just take a moment to offer even more of our wisdom (what a deal for you folks right!?).
You know...maybe you're in the mood for serious pain, and thinking about reading this book. Don't. Watch Mortal Kombat: Armageddon (You like that? We can easily pull out references to things you wish you could forget). It's infinitely less painful, and only 90 or so minutes. For those who have seen the movie, and know what it is like, this is the truth.
Yes, this book is so bad, that Mortal Kombat: Armageddon is a better use of your time, and is Shakespeare by comparison.
OK back to the book. As it progresses there are more and more tie-ins revealed with The Sword of Truth series. Yawn. Eleven bad books and a worse novella and you still want to Sword-of-Truth us to death? (Refrain from making phallic inferences and jokes...you know, the ones Goodkind feels he needs to make in all of his novels.) Steve was already whimpering in the corner after reading SoT, and you do this? Purgatory has a special place reserved for you, Goodkind.
Seriously. This book is Wizard's First Rule. Different characters (that, of course, mimic the originals), different setting (that, of course, intersects with the original), and solved in a different way (that, of course...yeah you get the idea).
Bland, uninteresting characters are pushed through bland, uninteresting encounters, by an even more uninteresting plot, and the blandest villain conceived in the last 20 years.
The book is just as preachy as The Sword of Truth, but thankfully *sarcasm* he includes more than just his twisted objectivist views (perhaps Ayn Rand came to him in a dream and threatened him with violence for violating her philosophy...you know, this might have made a better novel...). Goodkind's agenda in this book is more political, and he even manages to insult Obama (which is a welcome change since everyone has had their lips permanently attached to that man's hindquarters). There are some moral sermons, a la Goodkind, but they aren't of the length or depth of Richard Rahl's speeches.
We've come across a few others who have called this novel "thrilling" and "stunning." Did they really even open the book? Do they have some new congenital ocular condition that transforms a dirty stain into a beautiful tapestry? Did they, somehow, overlook how really...terribad...it was?!
The most thrilling aspect? Not paying for the book (though we still wanted our money back...and felt a little unclean for subjecting ourselves to Terry Badkind...aka Terribad. Eh? Eh?).
The most stunning aspect? That it ever got published.
Recommended Age: Really..can we even recommend an age? Maybe we will, just this once, change age to life status and say only people with nothing to live for should read this. It will most likely expedite the process.
Language: Nothing real offensive.
Violence: Yes, boring and unoriginal. It's like Terry saw what was in gritty fantasy and tried to emulate it. Poorly.
Sex: Well, it is Goodkind, and is his standard fare.
Note: Now we appreciate the daring to expand into unfamiliar territory and write something in a different genre, and were completely prepared to give Goodkind full credit for that. But he chickened out. He linked this story to his SoT series so completely that it is just a future setting of the SoT-verse. Boring. Failing grade, Goodkind. You're going to have some explaining to do at parent teacher conference...assuming a lynch-mob doesn't form up with us leading it.
Nick's Thought: I prefer TWILIGHT over this. Vomit.
The Law of Nines
2:00 AM
Nikki
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